Thoughts on how I communicate

[redbird]

I've noticed that if I ask cattitude to repeat something, he will do so word-for-word, whereas if I'm asked "What?" I tend to assume that the problem was with the syntax or word choice, rather than on the auditory level, and will rephrase for attempted clarity. That's a good technique when I've gotten tangled in baroque sentence structures--there are things that work in writing but can be hard to follow when spoken--or left out pronoun references or other assumptions. It's counterproductive when the problem is that only some of the words have been heard. If you notice me doing this (not that we get to spend enough time together offline), please remind me that when you say "What?" you mean "Please repeat those words" rather than "Please rephrase that."

[This started as part of a response to tamiam, in a comment thread on elisem's journal. I'm repeating it here because other hearing-impaired people who talk to me may find the information useful, and maybe some people, whether or not they fit in that category, may find it interesting. And as a reminder to myself.]

Comments

[nellorat.livejournal.com]

I run into this, of course, with supergee. Rephrasing is not always a bad thing, at least if that is said clearly and a little more loudly. Then the other person can say, "Yes, but what did you say?" if s/he wants, but the message gets across regardless. Also, someone--Nancy L.? Not hearing imparied, but if there's ambient noise or a distraction, maybe--says "please repeat," which is explicit and helpful. But I am learning this subconsciously, I think, in that I more often repeat myself in reaction to a "What?" from Supergee, while I'm more likely to rephrase in response to a "what?" fro womzilla.

One problem S. and I have run into is that I'm most likely to speak too softly when I'm nauseated, extremely tired, or otherwise physically under the weather. And that's exactly when repeating myself sometimes seems onerous, even annoying. So far, I've discharged any irritation by first saying, "I said, You're a deef old coyote!" in a half-joking voice and then repeating myself. I know it's not optimum, but S. doesn't mind and it keeps me from really getting upset.

[nellorat.livejournal.com]

Come to think, I know tnh says "Please repeat." I still have some memory of it in Nancy's voice.

[liv]

I recognize this dilemma exactly; my mother, who is deaf, always wants things repeating word for word (which can be difficult with a long, not necessarily well planned, sentence); most, but not all, other people, especially non-native English speakers, want a paraphrase. I've been switching between the two modes all my life, and I still muddle them up sometimes. And getting the wrong one is almost always perceived as patronizing.

Plus, the accurate repetition requirement has left me with the rather odd ability to repeat large chunks of conversation verbatim when someone asks 'What were we talking about?' or 'How did we get to this subject?'. Which can unnerve people, I do try to curb it with people who don't know me well!

[supergee.livejournal.com]

I am almost always willing to settle for paraphrase, sometimes asking for further clarification if some words I've heard don't seem represented in the new version.

[cakmpls.livejournal.com]

Plus, the accurate repetition requirement has left me with the rather odd ability to repeat large chunks of conversation verbatim

Nero Wolfe's assistant, Archie Goodwin, had this ability. Maybe you can find some wealthy, eccentric private detective to hire you!

[liv]

Maybe you can find some wealthy, eccentric private detective to hire you!
Wow. That's possibly the coolest career advice I've ever had. And I like that there's a fictional precedent for my weird superpower.

[thette.livejournal.com]

Thanks, that was very useful.

I tend to say "One more time" with a repetitive hand motion for a word-for-word repeat, and if the problem was only one word, I repeat the phrase myself up to that word.

But then, I'm not a polite person.

[nolly.livejournal.com]

If I want an exact or partial repeat, I tend to say "Repeat?" or "Again" or "Sorry, lost a word. What was that?"

[tamiam.livejournal.com]

Thanks for this. I should remember (and not just get irritated) that people may not know what I mean by "What?" and/or they are just getting tired and irritated by hearing it. But, with the ones who are just refusing to answer me now, I wish, or maybe, they are, learning patience from this, because it doesn't look like it will go away, and it doesn't matter if I'm not wearing my hearing aide if they are on the wrong side for it to pick up what they just said, too.

I do have a lot less 'What's' in fannish circles, and hadn't thought about why that was before this. Also musicians and theater people seem to speak up and enunciate, or they are finishing the consonents of the words and not just mumbling the ends.

[avram]

I’ve noticed that when I fail to hear something and ask someone to repeat it, most of the time it’ll be the beginning of the sentence that I had trouble with, and most of the time it’ll be the end of the sentence that they repeat.

I’ve got theories about this, of course.

[hobbitbabe.livejournal.com]

I say "I didn't hear anything after ..." or "I'm pretty sure you didn't say 'the fish is washed with sun' what did you say?" (it was something about the dishwasher running, of course).

[tamiam.livejournal.com]

He he. I'm writing a song called "What", which started in 1995 when I heard
"It's got David Niven" when they actually said "Stay for naked women".

[jb98.livejournal.com]

I often ask people to repeat things for auditory reasons. When I use "what" I most often get a paraphrase, which is rarely what I want. A lot of my Canadian friends say "pardon" and I've picked that habit up after hanging out with them. It usually gets a verbatim repeat of what was said, which is what I'm after. If I want something paraphrased, I'll say something like "sorry, I don't follow".

I didn't realize that responding in the wrong manner caused frustration, while I do admit to a certain amount of irritation if I don't get the mode I want.

I find this interesting. Humans are fascinating creatures.

[adrian-turtle.livejournal.com]

Some years back, I learned to use a communications network that involved many people speaking at once (kind of like irc, only with spoken words instead of text. And with important messages in a hurry, instead of casual chitchat.) One of the most useful things I took away from the experience was the reflexive use of "say again?" when I needed something repeated. It fills a different need than "what?" or "huh?"

Another useful distinction is between "I hear you," (for which I used to use "copy," but now hardly ever do) and "I agree with you." I say, "uh-huh" much less than I used to.

[porcinea.livejournal.com]

I picked up "come back?" from somewhere, but I forget where.

[diony.livejournal.com]

That's something I run into a lot with my fiance; I'll usually say "Could you repeat that?" and mean "I want a word-for-word repetition", but he almost always interprets it as "Please rephrase for clarity." I also have near-perfect short-term memory for repetition, so I can easily say exactly what I just said I was paying attention to myself talking, whereas he has very little memory for that sort of thing. It caused some hurt feelings until we worked out where the differing assumptions were.

[ailbhe]

I think - though I don't tape my conversations, so I can't be sure - that I say "Sorry, what was that?" or "sorry, I missed that," if I want a verbatim repeat, and "Uhhh, I don't follow," or similar if I want a rephrase.

[baldanders.livejournal.com]

I am crankier than I ought to be about getting people to repeat something I didn't hear, and this thread is a good reminder of the varieties of good will and why I should learn better strategies and more patience.

When I first became aware losing my hearing, I had a roommate, known to some of you, who could not answer "What?" politely. I don't know if he felt he wasn't being paid attention, or whether it was just a manipulative routine, but he would usually answer by repeating himself exactly as he had initially spoken, which often, of course, led to a repetition of "What?", after which he would repeat what he'd said but in a loud, annoyed tone. I developed a bad attitude about all the kinds of ways of responding to "What?" that were not the one I prefer: to repeat what was said, louder and possibly more clearly.

I panic a little at summaries, or (worse) elaborations; in either case I'm sure I'm missing something important (even though I know rationally that I probably didn't). I've tried to learn to say "What did you say" or "What was that?" ("Please repeat" is good.) The one that seems to work best, though, is to shake my head and smile while cupping my hand behind my ear and looking apologetic (or saying "I'm sorry, I didn't hear that"). The ear cupping pretty reliably prompts people to repeat louder, and talk a little louder, at least for a while.

[elusis.livejournal.com]

When I say "pardon?" or "I'm sorry?" I mean "I didn't hear/catch that - please repeat." When I say "I don't understand," I want something rephrased.

Some of the worst fights of my marriage have come because when I say "I don't understand," the boi has a tendency to repeat the same words over and over and refuse to rephrase. :-/

[therealjae.livejournal.com]

What you're talking about here is known in the field of conversation analysis as responses to unspecified repair initiations. If someone initiates a conversational repair by saying "what?" (or "huh?", or etc.), the source of the trouble in hearing, or understanding isn't specified. It could therefore be a problem with hearing, or a problem with the content. How unspecified repair initiations get interpreted are the subject of a whole whack of research. :-)

-J

[aliza250.livejournal.com]

"I didn't hear that" is the phrase I'm learning to use. The hand signal of cupping a hand over an ear is also useful to clarify the problem.

Of course, if you're talking to geeks, you can also say things like "50% packet loss" :-)