Drama (second try, LJ ate the first)

[redbird]

One of the things I've been discussing with my sweeties lately is our shared preference for low-drama lives. That doesn't mean uneventful, exactly: it means taking things smoothly, and trying to avoid the sort of actions and situations that lead to anger, confusion, and shouting at each other. I am inclined to note that I would rather have things complex and wonderful than simple and efficient: complex need not mean stressful.

We're mostly successful in this. My life isn't perfect, by any means: but it doesn't have this set of problems. One thing that Q [1] and I have been talking about is whether it's luck or skill: that is, are we in basically calm, solid situations because we've done things to cause that, or is it just chance? Obviously, some of both: I can choose my friends, for example, but I can choose them only from people I've met. And friend have friends, and sometimes there will be drama somewhere in the network. Communication helps, but it's not always enough: and it only works when people understand that "communicate, communicate, communicate" doesn't mean making sure that your attacks are grammatical, nor yet shouting ultimatums.

Sometimes it's hard to avoid being splashed by the drama, though. A friend of mine, who is usually good at these things, just had major drama hit her unexpectedly. There's not much to do at this point but offer comfort, which is difficult by long distance. I want to put the kettle up and offer her chocolate and hugs. And I want to remind myself that even with care, this sort of thing can happen, and if it hits me, that won't mean I'm doing something wrong. (Yes, I could do something wrong in that situation: I likely would, because not liking drama also means not acquiring skills in dealing with it.)

I am not required to mediate, either: if two people I like are not-communicating in ways that they both dislike, there may well be nothing I can do about it. And neither of them is asking me to get involved, or would thank me for doing so. Time for more tea, I think.

[1] The sweetie who would prefer not to be named here.

Comments

[eleanor.livejournal.com]

That was clear and well said, and the distinction between "drama" and "eventful" particularly helpful, as I was just trying to put my ifnger on the same. Do you mind if I quote or paraphrase you? Not in public or on journal, just in conversation.

[redbird]

By all means spread that distinction: I think it's useful, and I think my life and other people's would be better were it more widely understood.

[cakmpls.livejournal.com]

J and I and three of our kids are low-drama. One kid is high-drama. Not always a happy combination.

[firecat]

Well written. I think that both luck and skill are involved, but luck mostly in the sense of having a mine/psyche that doesn't need drama and doesn't generate its own.

Skill in the sense of knowing how to avoid the actions/situations you mention and also knowing how to approach stressful situations so as not to escalate them. (You say you don't have that skill, but you probably have more of it than you are aware.)

This also includes the skill to identify and choose friends who aren't drama magnets.

[nellorat.livejournal.com]

having a mine/psyche that doesn't need drama and doesn't generate its own.

I came from such a high-drama family that it was hard for me to realize there was any alternative; as I did realize that, I was delighted by how obviously restful low-drama living is, and how much energy it frees up for other pursuits. What your comment made me think of, though, is that while I was making the transition, I genuinely found it psychologically comfortable to watch The Jerry Springer Show, already sunken to abyssmal depths. Some part of me still felt it was natural to hear people screaming around me, and the show satisified that part without generating real drama that the rest of me no longer wanted. Seriously! Then I graduated to judge shows, which are like screaming talk-shows governed by a super-ego.

[firecat]

Then I graduated to judge shows, which are like screaming talk-shows governed by a super-ego.

Bwahaha! I haven't watched many judge shows but those I did watch I found strangely satisfying.

Your experience is a good indicator that media images aren't always an inducement to bad behavior; sometimes they are a substitute for bad behavior.

[jenett]

I think you're right about the 'even if something happens, it doesn't mean I did something wrong'.

As far as prevention strategies, my own relationships have tended to select for low-drama.

Partly, I select for it by tending to know people for a while first: I tend to be a *lot* happier being in a significant long-term relationship with someone if I've seen them handle a crisis or breakup or explosion in their lives at moderately close range first (being a friend, knowing some of the details, seeing some of the "I wish I could do/say this, but I won't" bits. Not all of them, just some. In this case, I'm more interested in how they handle problems than in what the problems were.)

This has the dual advantage of being able to look at how they react when that kind of stuff happens, but also at whether *how* they approach handling it is something I can handle. Doesn't preclude really bizarre actions under unsual circumstances, but it does help me feel I've got a vague ballpark.

The other one I've learned is "Listen to Jay" (the husband-person) about his feelings about people: he often spots stuff I miss, and likewise for me.

We've avoided nasty stuff a couple of times because one or the other of us said "There's something off here." (not bad, even, just 'off' and 'not compatible with other stuff that's important to us') and then, at least, we can go more slowly into any commitments/lots of time spent/etc. Or recognise we need to be extra careful to make sure we're communicating about the same things. Whatever.

On the other hand, it occurs to me that the OSO didn't exactly meet either of this criteria originally (I knew him before the husband-person), and that's been Just Fine. Never said it was a perfect test, just my own filtering mechanisms.

That, and I think I tend to select for people who are either lazy or focused in a particular way: drama takes up a lot of energy, and I've tended to select for people who have other places they care about putting that energy.

It creates a higher energy barrier to drama-spillover, because it tends to be less work to resolve the issue sooner, and everyone has more incentives for doing that, so they can get on with the other stuff.

[elisem.livejournal.com]

That, and I think I tend to select for people who are either lazy or focused in a particular way: drama takes up a lot of energy, and I've tended to select for people who have other places they care about putting that energy.

Oh, I like this!

thinking about it

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

I have some high-drama individuals in my circle of friends and aquaintances. (I hang out with goths, go figure) I'm usually pretty good at avoiding being splashed by it.

Some of that, I think, is getting familiar with the warning signs and holding the most likely dramabombs at a slight arms-length, some of it is a tendancy not to be easily flapped and some of it is pure mental denseness.

[cattitude.livejournal.com]

I would be so tempted to SHOUT something here, except that I agree with you.

[holyoutlaw.livejournal.com]

not liking drama also means not acquiring skills in dealing with it

The drama dealing skills of most of the people I've known who like drama seem to be how to create more of it.

Nice post.