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One of the things I've been discussing with my sweeties lately is our shared preference for low-drama lives. That doesn't mean uneventful, exactly: it means taking things smoothly, and trying to avoid the sort of actions and situations that lead to anger, confusion, and shouting at each other. I am inclined to note that I would rather have things complex and wonderful than simple and efficient: complex need not mean stressful.
We're mostly successful in this. My life isn't perfect, by any means: but it doesn't have this set of problems. One thing that Q [1] and I have been talking about is whether it's luck or skill: that is, are we in basically calm, solid situations because we've done things to cause that, or is it just chance? Obviously, some of both: I can choose my friends, for example, but I can choose them only from people I've met. And friend have friends, and sometimes there will be drama somewhere in the network. Communication helps, but it's not always enough: and it only works when people understand that "communicate, communicate, communicate" doesn't mean making sure that your attacks are grammatical, nor yet shouting ultimatums.
Sometimes it's hard to avoid being splashed by the drama, though. A friend of mine, who is usually good at these things, just had major drama hit her unexpectedly. There's not much to do at this point but offer comfort, which is difficult by long distance. I want to put the kettle up and offer her chocolate and hugs. And I want to remind myself that even with care, this sort of thing can happen, and if it hits me, that won't mean I'm doing something wrong. (Yes, I could do something wrong in that situation: I likely would, because not liking drama also means not acquiring skills in dealing with it.)
I am not required to mediate, either: if two people I like are not-communicating in ways that they both dislike, there may well be nothing I can do about it. And neither of them is asking me to get involved, or would thank me for doing so. Time for more tea, I think.
[1] The sweetie who would prefer not to be named here.
We're mostly successful in this. My life isn't perfect, by any means: but it doesn't have this set of problems. One thing that Q [1] and I have been talking about is whether it's luck or skill: that is, are we in basically calm, solid situations because we've done things to cause that, or is it just chance? Obviously, some of both: I can choose my friends, for example, but I can choose them only from people I've met. And friend have friends, and sometimes there will be drama somewhere in the network. Communication helps, but it's not always enough: and it only works when people understand that "communicate, communicate, communicate" doesn't mean making sure that your attacks are grammatical, nor yet shouting ultimatums.
Sometimes it's hard to avoid being splashed by the drama, though. A friend of mine, who is usually good at these things, just had major drama hit her unexpectedly. There's not much to do at this point but offer comfort, which is difficult by long distance. I want to put the kettle up and offer her chocolate and hugs. And I want to remind myself that even with care, this sort of thing can happen, and if it hits me, that won't mean I'm doing something wrong. (Yes, I could do something wrong in that situation: I likely would, because not liking drama also means not acquiring skills in dealing with it.)
I am not required to mediate, either: if two people I like are not-communicating in ways that they both dislike, there may well be nothing I can do about it. And neither of them is asking me to get involved, or would thank me for doing so. Time for more tea, I think.
[1] The sweetie who would prefer not to be named here.
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