Trying to remember

[redbird]

I had a very emotional conversation with my mother on Saturday. Emotional and unsatisfying, in part because there were things I'd wanted to discuss that we didn't get to.

Thinking about it a bit, and in conversation with adrian_turtle, I realized that there were at least two important disjunctions between her memories and mine. When I thought there was only the one, I was prepared to accept her version, just because I'd been five and she an adult. That was also the less important: I have a clear memory of walking (being walked) to school in heavy snow when I was in kindergarten, and being put in with the first graders because I was the only kindergarten student there, and my teacher hadn't made it in. Mom says I'm conflating a blizzard in which my parents, for no good reason, decided to drive to visit friends way out on Long Island, with a public school strike. This seems possible, and not especially important except in that I have few enough memories of childhood without being told that I'm getting them wrong.

But Mom also said that Amy, who I met at Hunter (i.e., in eighth or ninth grade) was my first real friend.

Yes, I was a lonely child, and not good at making friends. But I know that Amy wasn't the first. Possibly the second. I had a good
friend in elementary school named Jenny. Her parents were Japanese, and her father's company had sent him to New York for a few years to work. The assignment ended, and she moved back to Japan. We had no further contact. But she did (and quite possibly does) exist, and she was my friend.

And Mom forgetting that leaves me with less confidence in her memories--and understanding--of my childhood.

Comments

[magentamn.livejournal.com]

Did you go to Hunter College High School, or something like that? What years? One of my oldest friends went there in the 60s.

[redbird]

Yes. Class of 1981. My brother was class of '84, and Mom was class of January 1949.

[fuzzygabby.livejournal.com]

FWIW, my grandmother went to Hunter College. I don't know where she went for high school. But when Donna Shalala became chancellor of UW (before she left to join Clinton's cabinet), my grandmother was excited her previous job was at Hunter. I think it must have been in alum newsletter.

[doseybat.livejournal.com]

i have had a small similar thing: i can swear that when i was about 6 my grandfather sang a slightly rude song to me and my cousin which he found extremely funny. i still remember all the words to it and it was an important bonding experience. but he vehemently denies this and denies knowing the song. its making me wonder whether i dreamt it, and if thats a possibility, how real are my other important memories?

[treadpath.livejournal.com]

My mother has a habit of not remembering things that my brother and I distinctly remember her saying or doing. For example, on holiday on Martha's Vineyard, we went to visit John Belushi's grave and when we asked how he died, my mom told us that it was because "he got too fat." She vehemently denies ever saying this, but my brother and I remember it distinctly. In retrospect, she does have food/weight issues and also probably didn't want to get into the "drug talk" with two very young children, but what she told us stuck with us and scared the crap out of us for many years.

I have recently found out that my mother's side of the family seems to have this selective memory thingie as an inherited trait. Both my mom and her sister remember a chocolate pudding pie that my grandmother used to make on a regular basis. My grandmother denied not only ever making such a cake, but also knowledge of the recipe, and, on occasion, complete ignorance of what a chocolate pudding pie might be. Knowing that they do this is kinda funny at this point, but also scary because there's frequently no way to really get corroboration on some past events.

[calimac.livejournal.com]

It's possible that she's forgotten more than you have, but also, there's a difference between objective facts like whether there was a blizzard and when you were put in first grade, and subjective ones like who your friends were - especially as the latter could be operating at times when your mother wasn't present. How often did your mother see you and Jenny together? She might just not have been aware that there was a real friendship.

[redbird]

Even so, there's a difference between not knowing what friends your daughter had--though you'd think she'd remember me talking about my best friend having moved away--and being sure that she didn't have any.

My memory of childhood being as flaky as it is, I really would like to be able to supplement it. But I didn't start keeping a journal until much later.

[cakmpls.livejournal.com]

Already my kids are reminding me of things from their childhoods that I don't remember--and I'm only 57 (they're 21, 21, 18, and 14). I hope to at least remember this as I age, so that I will realize that they probably are right and I'm wrong about such things.

[hobbitbabe.livejournal.com]

If your mother is an unreliable witness, it is good that you know that an. You can assign a large range of uncertainty to what she tells you.

If you are inclined to think this hard about it, you may also be able to acquire insight into your mother by noting how she recalls things - with my mother, I can see that she has revised stories that bothered her until she remembers them in a way that may be more palatable or tidier or may make her look more hard-done-by.

[marykaykare.livejournal.com]

Does she remember it when you bring it up to her? Children and adults frequently assign different levels of importance to things, but it does seem she ought to remember you talking about your friend moving. I have the same problem with my parents -- even my sister. I know my memory can be flaky, but I doubt it's as flaky as they'd have me believe.

MKK