Wiscon panel: The anatomy of friendship

[redbird]

I went to this rather than the other good things in that time slot because the day before, Elise Matthesen and Debbie Notkin had told me and Velma we should be there in the front row, partly so she could point to us as an example of a very long-duration friendship. I might have gone without that push, and am glad I did, because there was good discussion about things including what friendship means, how to nurture a friendship, and some of the problems that can come up, of expectations and either person feeling that s/he isn't giving as much as she's getting. Cat Hanna talked about some of the ways that friendships overlap and affect each other, including social groups that seem to center on a couple, and the unfortunate fact that a breakup can cost the ex-couple's friends some of their friendships, not only with the couple but each other. This was in the context of the lesbian community, people for whom friends become chosen family. (No ideas on avoiding that sort of loss, alas.)

Before the panel, I was reminded that rysmiel will say "my friend" to me in email, or while we're talking in bed, because that is so large a part of the connection there. (We were friends for a long time before that became a romantic relationship.) Which connects to Debbie (wild_irises)'s saying that she dislikes "just friends" because it devalues something important and difficult, and that you don't hear "just lovers." (My thoughts, not stated on the panel, but connected: There's a cultural assumption that if it's more than a single encounter, a sexual relationship must be important, and should be foregrounded and given priority over other things; unfortunately, we don't have another good way to say "friends who are not romantically/sexually involved.") I really want more vocabulary here, vocabulary that if it doesn't map closely onto the specifics of my life and feelings, at least doesn't contradict them.

Comments

[nellorat.livejournal.com]

Re terminology, I wish the term "friends with benefits" had been around when I was in grad school and first encountered f/sf/horror fandom. It exactly fits many of my relationships then. It's also counter to the idea that any ongoing sexual relationship (1) must be romantic and (2) must be qualitatively more important than anything categorized as "friendship."

You're right that no such good term yet exists (that I know of) for "just friends." "Platonic" is sometimes used that way, but while I can understand how it come about (a view of the relationship between the body and mind/soul, or sensory and intellectual appreciation, I personally think of as more neo-Platonic), I keep thinking, what, sexual especially with cute young men? Seducing people with your philosophical acumen? Both of which would be good things to have terms for, but, well.

"Friends without benefits" is not literally true, of course, but might be clear as an alternative to "friends with benefits."

[intelligentrix.livejournal.com]

I wanted to go to that panel and I don't remember why I didn't. I think I ended up at a different one. I have a lot of thoughts on the subject, but not enough brain at the moment to articulate them. Thanks for the precis.