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rmjwell and cakmpls discussing whether it is the job of people in oppressed groups to educate people outside those groups:
One of the things people mean by "it's not my job to educate you about X" is "I've done this already, I've answered these questions a hundred times, I refuse to spend my life doing so because so many people won't pick up a book on the subject, or watch a video."
That's doubly so either when it's a relatively small minority experience--there are a lot more heterosexuals who need to educate themselves about what it's like to be queer than there are articulate, out lesbians, bisexuals, and gay men to do the educating.
It's doubly so when the thing that people need to understand is in itself a major burden--someone mentioned having a child with Asperger's, for example.
It's doubly so when part of the burden is being looked at as an outsider, and the questions are phrased as "tell me about your people" rather than as "you're one of us, I'd like to understand this aspect of your life better."
rmjwell and cakmpls discussing whether it is the job of people in oppressed groups to educate people outside those groups:One of the things people mean by "it's not my job to educate you about X" is "I've done this already, I've answered these questions a hundred times, I refuse to spend my life doing so because so many people won't pick up a book on the subject, or watch a video."
That's doubly so either when it's a relatively small minority experience--there are a lot more heterosexuals who need to educate themselves about what it's like to be queer than there are articulate, out lesbians, bisexuals, and gay men to do the educating.
It's doubly so when the thing that people need to understand is in itself a major burden--someone mentioned having a child with Asperger's, for example.
It's doubly so when part of the burden is being looked at as an outsider, and the questions are phrased as "tell me about your people" rather than as "you're one of us, I'd like to understand this aspect of your life better."
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Yes, yes, and yes. Anyone who hasn't been a quaint ethnic outsider (or the equivalent in some other realm) probably doesn't quite get exactly how fucking exasperating it is to be expected to explain. Worse still, perhaps, is when you say, "You know, there's lots of data out there that you could/could have read; I am not obligated to be your one source," and the other person reacts as if I'm committing a major crime in refusing to answer every question and refusing to be The Spokesperson for My Race/Gender/Sexual Orientation.
Gaaaaah
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(There pretty much always are. I'm sure there are exceptions, but by and large, there's usually something to be read or watched which will fill in anyone who actually wants to understand.)
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I think this frustration is illustrated beautifully by this snippet of conversation between me and a guy who wants to (date me? get in my pants? I still can't tell) but is a self-described Social Liberal/Fiscal Conservative who votes Republican. We've been through one round of Minority Free University when he pulled the classic "well, if you also like this other girl that I like, we could all three..." and I executed Bisexuals 101 on his ass. But get this shit, when I was talking about why it's hard for me to trust him:
Him: Problem is, I AM conservative politically... and I AM unacquainted with a number of the aspects of your life that you consider essential. So I see no real way for me to ever gain that trust, that it seems would be the first, most important step.
Him: Soooo... I dunno. Guess that may be all she wrote on that particular issue.
Me: so... you'll just throw your hands up?
Him: Unless you have any ideas
Him: I can always just hang with you when the opportunity arises, at parties or wherever... let you just see me and get to know me in a much more casual vein, and try this again in a year or two if we are both still single
Him: Apart from that, I am feeling fairly discouraged at the moment
Me: when you say "a year or two," what do you assume would be different in that time?
Him: Well, I would think that you and I would have run into each other casually a number of times, and perhaps you might have seen enough of me to know and trust that I am neither hurtful, stupid, amoral, or irretrievably racist, sexist, homophobic, or insensitive... that I am, in fact, despite my differing political beliefs and "social capital," quite a nice, decent guy who is worth knowing and fairly trustworthy
Me: OK
Me: and what would be different about you?
Him: Would there need to be anything different about me?
Him: Let's say that hypothetically I would be exactly the same
Me: gee
Me: tell me again how you're not looking for someone to be your teacher
Me: left to your own devices, you'd be... exactly the same?
Me: so all this "tell me about what it's like from the perspective of a queer girl" isn't something that interests you unless there's sex at the end of the rainbow?
Him: Well no, but I can't really predict how I would be different, so the only hypothetical that I can really offer is that I would be more or less the same... anything else would be wild speculation.
Yeah. He's gonna be exactly the same in a year, his fantastic, great, kind self... but 100% as ignorant as he is today (he's already admitted his ignorant) unless I go in and change it for him.
It's a good thing I don't believe in violence.
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