I need to cut myself some slack

[redbird]

This is my first day of real rest in a couple of weeks--which is less than I generally need to take. And my father's funeral was yesterday, a swarm of cousins I see every decade and friends and colleagues of my father's who I hadn't seen in longer than that. My father and I weren't close, to put it mildly, but that doesn't mean the day wasn't stressful (and no, nobody was expecting him to die this soon). I had four living grandparents until my senior year of high school; my mother is now my only surviving direct ancestor (I have three aunts).

So I'm eating lots of chocolate, doing not much else, and being vaguely distracted. And that's okay. If I don't pull myself together by 6:15 Monday morning, I have my job's okay to be out for a few days. (I won't get paid for them, which is a problem, but I won't be risking unemployment, either.)

Thanks to those of you who've offered condolences or an ear (those of you who are puzzled, this is because my last few posts were friends-only); particular thanks to papersky, who gave me a useful framework for thinking about the last couple of days and my reactions to them. And, as always, to cattitude, who is very good at just being there for me.

Comments

[ckd]

Take care of yourself. Take time for yourself. And add my condolences to the list.

[minkboylove.livejournal.com]

Thinking of you. Hang on in there.

[magentamn.livejournal.com]

Chocolate is good.

Don't be surprised if you have more reaction in a few weeks. When my dad died last year, I didn't think it would affect me very much, since we hadn't been close in a long time. But it snuck up on me, and took a few months to resolve.

[janetmk.livejournal.com]

I hope you've had a good day. You're wise to cut yourself slack.

-- Janet

[snippy]

As somebody told me when Mom was dying, be gentle with yourself. It's been very useful advice, for me.

[pisceandreamer.livejournal.com]

redbird, I'm so sorry to hear of your father's passing - as you said, even though you weren't close, it is still a stressful thing to go through. Do take care of yourself.

****hugs****

[ala-too.livejournal.com]

My condolences to you.

My experience was that death of a parent appears to be one of the most profound moments in people's life (including my own) whether you are close to the parent or not.

I found that in the case of my parent that I was not close to I needed to grieve for the relationship that never was. It took a long time though the first month was the worst.

The other thing I found was that no one who hadn't lost a parent quite understood and everyone who had (irrelevant of their relationship) did.

Good for your client for understanding. Take the time you need.

Take care of yourself. Have a piece of chocolate for both of our fathers.

[papersky.livejournal.com]

I appreciate that you needed to grieve and that it was hard for you, but this really doesn't generalize to a universal truth. I have been much mroe distressed for much longer over the death of friends than over the death of my father. In most of the important ways, he was dead for me already.

[ala-too.livejournal.com]

I don't think grieving is a competitive action. We each do what we need to do. The only two things I can imagine wrong about grieving is either not doing so or doing so forever.

One of the things I can to really appreciate about my religion is it's rules about grieving. The enforced intense process followed by less and finally none really does help enforce the need both to grieve and to stop.

Some friends are family in all but blood. Those in this category for me take considerable time to grieve, from my (thankfully limited) experience. There is just something special about a parent since they spent years with you in a very formative stage. Plus society put expectations about parents which are ingrained into our cultural values and hence our being.

still mulling this over

[roadnotes.livejournal.com]

" Plus society put expectations about parents which are ingrained into our cultural values and hence our being."

I've got an unformed train of thought here, that has to do with people insisting that one loves and respects and misses parents, regardless of the relationship. This may have to do with knowing too many abusive parents, and being the child of one. My mother, for example, tried to kill me twice, and for a while disowned me for my choice of husband/choice of any man over her -- people who say, "But of course you really love/d her and respected her" are trying to force me to lie to make themselves happy. (And, for the record, my feelings about her are mixed, and continue to be so.)

It's simply not true that everyone misses their parents after their deaths. And saying it over and over again doesn't make it any more true in the cases where it's false.

[ala-too.livejournal.com]

"It's simply not true that everyone misses their parents after their deaths. And saying it over and over again doesn't make it any more true in the cases where it's false."

I never said that. I said that one grieves one's parents. That's quite different from missing them (which may or may not be true). For example, you can grieve for what you didn't have as much as what you did have and miss.

Correction taken; nevertheless

[roadnotes.livejournal.com]

Not everyone grieves, either. Not even for potential relationships that never happened. And again, saying so doesn't make it universally true.

[ailbhe]

Good wishes.

I am anticipating something similar in my own life, though not soon. I have no idea what it's like, though, so I won't say "I understand."

[papersky.livejournal.com]

One generation closer to natural death, yes, that's certainly true.

Rest and chocolate seems very sensible, but it's as profound as you want it to be, I think. My Aunt Jane, who is actually my first cousin twice removed, isn't well, and I'm considerably more worried about her than I was about my father. Family is choice as well.

[redbird]

Family is indeed choice--part of my reaction when cattitude gave me the news was relief, because from tone of voice and the first sentence, I was afraid my mother was ill or worse.

I suspect that, decisions or no, I'd not entirely ruled out someday finding a way my father and I could talk again. Now that's gone. There are memories--the good ones a quarter century old--and some genetic inheritance, no doubt (though my heart is in fine shape, I suspect his and his father's were at age 40 too).

My condolences

[ksp24.livejournal.com]

I am sorry to read about the death of your father. My best wishes to you.