There's not much comfort in knowing that life is not fair

[redbird]

My sister-by-choice, roadnotes, who I've known since we were 13 or so, is dying of cancer. We had hoped she had a year or so left; as of today it looks like maybe a few weeks. The following (via a couple of forwards) is from her partner, Soren:

The palliative doctor told us he can't recommend her going home she's too weak everyday weaker and weaker unfortunately I kind of agree. Still not eating now she's not drinking either. Maybe few days or few weeks.

I'm trying to figure out whether I should try to change my flight back from Boston, to get to Seattle tomorrow or Sunday instead of Monday. I have asked Elise, who will be getting there tomorrow morning, to email or text me once she sees Velma.

(Yes, I was elliptical yesterday, before I got the most recent email, which included a request to "please spread the word.)

This is awful. I'm not sure how I will cope, but I have some good people to lean on.

Comments

[anne]

Oh, no. I was hoping that wasn't what you were talking about.

[lilysea]

This is so, so hard, both on you and on everyone else involved.

I'm sorry.

[replyhazy]

Well, that just totally sucks.

Hugs for you and all involved. I am so sorry to hear this.

[submarine_bells]

I'm so sorry.

My partner Artyem's best friend since childhood is in much the same position - diagnosed early this year, not expected to live to the end of the year. Watching Artyem hurt and grieve and worry is so hard. There's absolutely nothing I can do to help, other than do my level best to be supportive when he needs it.

I wish nobody had to go through this - not you, not Artyem, not your respective beloved friends, not nobody. I have nothing to offer except sympathy, but you have all of that from me. *hug*

[ironed_orchid]

Fucking cancer.

I'm so sorry you and your loved ones are dealing with this.

[green_knight]

I am sorry to read this and hope that her passage is as painless as these things can be.

[liv]

No, no, no! I was really hoping your elliptical post wasn't this, and now you've clarified I'm just looking at your post and trying to find words and just spluttering. There really is nothing good or comforting about this situation, I'm just sad and angry on your behalf.

[oursin]

So sorry to hear this. Much sympathy. Sending good thoughts.

[kaberett]

I am so sorry, and my thoughts are with all of you.

[the_siobhan]

I am so sorry.

[tam_nonlinear]

I am so, so sorry. So much of life is impossible things. I hope you all can find what peace and comfort there is in this, and I wish you all courage.

[princessofgeeks]

I am so sorry.

[nanila]

Oh no. I'm so sorry to hear this. I hope you and the rest of her family and friends can wrap her - and each other - in as much love as possible for the next few weeks.

[tim]

I don't know roadnotes, but she has seemed ubiquitous in my LJ/DW circles since I started using LJ. I'm so sorry.

This Mountain Goats song has been stuck in my head lately. (It's not really religious, despite the title.)

[threeringedmoon]

Wow, that's tough. She had posted within the past week to her LJ so I had hoped she had more time.

[anne]

I just saw Patrick's tweet. I am so very sorry.

[bibliofile]

I'm glad that you two live in the same city again for this. Please give her all my love when you see her.

I too had read her own/Soren's post the other week and had hoped for more time. Crap crap crap.

[redbird]

If Artyem is emotionally like me (which I don't know) being there, holding him, etc. are a help. I woke Adrian yesterday because I was weeping, and Cattitude this morning for the same reason. They each held me.

[submarine_bells]

I do what I can, yes.

Artyem's friend Jim lives interstate. When he went over to visit a couple of months ago, he was really freaked out and nervous before he left - I think he was worried about how he was going to deal with the situation, whether he'd be "in the way" or not, all sorts of worries that I suppose made sense to him that I couldn't really get my head around too much. One thing I know that he did find really helpful was when I told him about the "circles" theory of crisis support. Have you come across that? It's pretty simple, and goes "comfort inward, dump outward", where the "in" and "out" refer to degrees of closeness to the situation among folk one interacts with. It gave him a simple and memorable "structure" for dealing with the situation, and using that he was able to really be helpful and supportive to Jim at time when *everyone* was running around, freaking out, stressed and upset. In turn, I try to do the same thing for Artyem - be there, be supportive, someone to lean on when he needs it, and I *never* dump my own stuff about the situation on him. What he seems to most need at the moment, apart from a shoulder to cry on, is someone to distract him when he starts fretting or obsessing about the situation. But that's not going to be useful for much longer... I don't know how I'm going to be able to help soon. I guess we'll cross that bridge as we need to.

I dunno. I'm not sure whether talking about this stuff here now is of any use to you at present or not. If you're anything like me, working through the mechanics of dealing with stuff with other folk who are (or have been) in similar positions can be helpful. But if it doesn't feel helpful or supportive to you, feel free to delete my comment if you wish.

There is nothing that really makes this sort of thing any better. I'm so very very sorry for your loss. I never knew her, but I heard so many good things from other about her. May you and all who knew her find comfort. *hug*

[redbird]

Talking about this here may or may not be of immediate use to me, but it is fine and appropriate.

Btw, I have also heard that theory called things like "support in, kvetch out" (on the Captain Awkward blog, in the context of parents with marital difficulties, rather than this sort of mourning).

And sometimes people are at the same distance, or close; I am hoping to see Elise today or tomorrow, and yes I'll likely cry on her shoulder, and also she on mine.

[submarine_bells]

Yeah, Elise is another one of the good ones. If it seems appropriate, please pass my condolences and hugs on to her. I'll be thinking of you both.

[commodorified]

... I just saw this. Oh My God.

[browngirl.livejournal.com]

This is indeed awful. I'm sorry.

[athenais.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry this is what you were referring to. Dreadful choice; I would go home earlier rather than later if she is this weak. How sad, how very sad.

[don-fitch.livejournal.com]

I suppose that I know, abstractly, that Bad People die like this at about the same rate as Good People, but it sure doesn't seem that way. The last close friend I have -- the one I'd relied upon to tell them to pull the plug on me when it was time -- is not the kind of person to talk about it, but he's stopped our regular expeditions for Good Sushi, and I expect the word "hospice" to crop up soon. Yeah, maybe five years ago he mentioned being older than any of his male ancestors had lived for the four generations on which he had data, but....

And Velma & Soren, though I haven't known them well, are solidly Good People. Too early, and entirely Unfair.