Apologies

[redbird]

[cross-posted from a Making Light open thread]

I am starting to think that real and/or effective apologies tend to be brief. Otherwise they go from "I'm sorry for this mistake, I understand how it must have upset you" through "I can't deny that I'd be bothered too" to "While I'd like to attempt to 'explain' how it happened, I understand that a) an explanation won't undo what was done and b) in the end, as the writer and editor of the newsletter's content, the buck must stop with me."

And then several paragraphs of attempting to explain how it happened, including naming someone else who was involved and implying that it was more her fault than his. (That he referred to her as "the young woman who handles data entry" doesn't help.)

Since I can't think of anything useful to say to this person, given that he is no longer involved with the organization in question, I'm posting here rather than try to give him a brief course in how not to apologize.

[On the underlying issue, I am more amused than annoyed: my high school alumnae/i association somehow decided that two alumni with the same surname must be married rather than siblings, and mentioned us in an article about married alumni. It's the sort of thing that makes a person wonder about alumni publications.]

ETA April 17: Yesterday I got an apology from the head of the Alumnae/i Association. Again, she notes that a simple check should have caught the error, and that the problem was probably human error in the original data entry: but it's brief, and doesn't imply that this means she, the editor, or the organization aren't responsible. (I almost didn't read the email, because it was from an unknown name with no subject, but that's a separate issue of How to Do It.)

Comments

[kistaro]

The truly masterful apology letter sent by the director of HR at my previous job expressing embarrassment about how my (former) boss decided to go about firing me was three paragraphs long; under a page had I printed it out. It was strikingly politically tactful; it made it absolutely clear that my boss' means of choice (e-mail at 3PM on a Sunday with no prior warnings or discussion) was utterly unacceptable, without actually pointing any blame towards him at all. Which I felt sort of bad about, since the director was taking it all on herself, even though she was on vacation at the time and I hardly mistook this for any sort of standard procedure or policy...

But, yes. Brief is best; the more you try to say, the more tangled up you get in it, when for the most part using fewer words gets the message across better.

[jubu]

True. The best apology I ever got was from my former schoolmate who used to bully me as a teenager. We were both in our mid-twenties and it was at a class reunion. It was pretty much out of the blue, but it was pretty clear he was very, very serious when he suddenly approached me.

Ex-bully: Was I a huge dick?
Me: Yeah. You really were.
Ex-bully: Damn. Man, I'm really sorry I bullied you. Can I buy you a beer?
Me: Sure.

It was really cathartic. The fact that he had been thinking for years what a dick he was to me, made it really easy for me to forgive him. And I really wasn't interested in having a longer discussion about our past with him. After that we just moved on and had a really pleasent night.

[browngirl.livejournal.com]

*nod* I have taken to, when apologizing in text, writing out a whole explanation and then deleting it before I send the note. Apologies are best brief and ungarnished.

I feel bad for that young woman having had to deal with that guy; I wouldn't be surprised if he'd blamed other things on her too.

[lcohen]

"the young woman who handles data entry"

oh alumni newsletter dude, no.

[bemused-leftist.livejournal.com]

First I've heard of this, but fwiw, when I'm the injured party I'd much rather have an explanation of what happened than anything brief. I'd like to know to what extent it was intended, a mis-judgement, a bad attitude now corrected, a plain accident, or whatever. And spending time explaining shows that they care.

Also it soothes my feelings to have a chance to respond and suggest how they could improve in future. ;-)

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

See, when my alumni mag erroneously listed me as having reproduced, I got a note that said, "I am so sorry," and, "I hope you are well," I got a printed retraction, and I got a free college T-shirt.

Go my alumni mag, apparently. I underestimated how much worse it could have gone.

[redbird]

We are promised a printed retraction ("we" because my brother is as much the injured party as I am). This also feels like a smaller error than happened to you, though my brother might disagree.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Since you are happily partnered rather already? Yes.

[cakmpls.livejournal.com]

Like someone upthread, I prefer that an apology be accompanied by an explanation, as long as the person knows the difference between "a reason" and "an excuse." I find it almost always valuable to know the reason that something happened.

Apologies

[hazelchaz]

I apologize for ______. It was wrong/I should not have done so because _________. I will make things right by _______.

That's about the formula I use. I make it as complete but as concise as possible.