In Memoriam, Simon Kugler, 1924-2010

[redbird]

My mother's husband, Simon Kugler, died two days ago, after a long and difficult illness. He died quietly at home in bed, as they both wanted. I thought, when I was booking tickets last week, that I was flying over for the funeral, but having lived at least a year longer than the doctors expected, he then lived another three or four days longer than we thought he would after they took him off the IV hydration. But after a few days of "it will be today," Tuesday morning, when the palliative care nurse came in, she noticed signs that it would be soon. Mom sat near him, because she wanted to, and I sat with her, because the reason I was in London was to take care of her. He died gently enough that it took us a couple of minutes to be sure.

In Orthodox Jewish tradition, he was buried yesterday afternoon; I changed my ticket home so I could stay for the funeral, and am very glad I was there to support Mom.

After the doctor came to certify the death, Mom told me she was glad the doctor hadn't written something euphemistic like "heart failure" on the death certificate. Simon had frontal-temporal lobe dementia, which was hard for him, and for my mother, and for his carer, Mel (who worked for them full time for the last five years). But they had many good years together, and Mom told me a few days ago that before she and Simon met and fell in love, she had no idea how much one person could love another, or be loved.

Comments

[cynthia1960]

My condolences head eastward and across the pond.

[jenett]

Thinking of you and your mother, and very glad you were able to go over and be with her.

[bcholmes]

My condolences. I'm very glad you were able to be there for your mother.

[webbob]

In the face of your mother's loss it is a fortunate thing that you are good at being supportive of your loved ones. It's an admirable thing in you.

[aquaeri]

My condolences. I am glad you were able to be there for your mother.

[janetmiles.livejournal.com]

May he rest in peace, and may all who cared for him find comfort in memory.

[baratron.livejournal.com]

I'm glad your mother's husband got the death that he wanted, glad you could be there to support your Mom, and glad you're now at home with your partners to support you.

[shsilver.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry for your mother's loss. May his memory be for a blessing.

[kate-schaefer.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry for your mother's protracted loss. Thank you for writing about it so simply and eloquently.

[hobbitblue.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry.. I'm glad you could be there for your mom at the final moments and that you got to say goodbye too.

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

may his memory be a blessing. *hug*

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry for your loss and especially for your mother's loss. I'm very glad that she did meet him, though, from what you have said about their relationship.

[threeringedmoon.livejournal.com]

I am sorry for your mother's loss, and glad that you were able to be with her while he passed.

[rdkeir.livejournal.com]

I am glad that your mother and Simon found love together, and hope that the memory will bring a measure of joy and peace to her in this difficult time. Lucy and my thoughts are with you and your family.

[don-fitch.livejournal.com]

Condolences to both your mother and you. It sounds as though his memory and his life were a blessing.

[trinker.livejournal.com]

Ah...my grandfather lingered like that, too. (Also a dementia death.) May your mother and all those deeply affected by his death find the comfort they need.

[mjlayman.livejournal.com]

Good for you to be with your mother, and her with Simon. I hope peace comes for both of you.

[annafdd.livejournal.com]

I am so glad it worked in a way that let you be there for your mother and him at the right time. I've had dementia in my family and the only good thing that can be said about it is that it gives you time to prepare for the final separation, and makes it a bit less painful.

[coth.livejournal.com]

Condolences to you and your mother. I am glad you were able to be here for her.

[papersky.livejournal.com]

May his memory be a blessing.

[roadnotes.livejournal.com]

May his memory be for a blessing, and I'm glad she had those years of love.

[dichroic.livejournal.com]

One set of my grandparents (more or less, it's complicated) got married in what must have been their fifties, around the time I was born. My grandfather died my senior year of college. It wasn't until then, when he was dying, and then right after graduation when I visited my grandmother for a weekend, that I realized what a love match that had been. (I was young enough then not to have thought much about the idea of old people falling dramatically in love, and you don't really think about sweeping romance in connection with your grandparents, the ones with the ginger candies and the milk tea and the plastic covers on their sofas.)

I am glad your mother has the good years to treasure.

[bibliofile.livejournal.com]

May his memory be a blessing. May the rest of us be so lucky in finding love.

[elusis.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you were able to be there.