The part after the comma feels weak, or maybe imprecise: I'm not sure if it's that "children" is wrong, or that I on some level noticed that, in counting syllables, I was one short. Would "tear the thread of summer" or "tear [ri^W^W
Got it: tear summer's fabric. Or maybe "the cloth of summer." But I'm still not sure "children" is right.
OK. What we have right now is:
Magic holds the world together, after children tear summer's fabric.
For some reason, I'm more willing to go short a syllable in a haiku than run over, so "tear the cloth of summer" doesn't make me happy.
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Date: 2009-05-30 10:44 pm (UTC)Got it: tear summer's fabric. Or maybe "the cloth of summer." But I'm still not sure "children" is right.
OK. What we have right now is:
Magic holds the world
together, after children
tear summer's fabric.
For some reason, I'm more willing to go short a syllable in a haiku than run over, so "tear the cloth of summer" doesn't make me happy.