(no subject)

[redbird]

I haven't said much about the ongoing discussions in various places online that started with Writing the Other and have come to include, among other things, what constitutes racism and how to respond to it; personal and group loyalties; and pseudonyms and privacy. That's partly because I haven't had much to say that seemed useful, and partly because I haven't wanted some of those arguments aimed at me. From the most recent round, however, I do have one point to make:

If I hurt you, accidentally or deliberately, I don't get to tell you that what I've done is trivial and you should get over it. I may think that. I may think that what someone is actually angry about isn't the apparent issue. I may even, in some cases, decide that a person's ongoing reaction to something I've done, or a habit of mine that seems minor to me, means that we really won't make good friends. But I'm not the one who has been hurt. If what I did to hurt you is not entirely accidental, I wouldn't have done it if I thought at the time that it was a bad idea. If I now agree that it was a bad idea, I am probably not best qualified to evaluate how bad an idea it was. If it was entirely accidental, I hope that we'll be picking ourselves up from the sidewalk and contemplating whether bandages, tea, or even the EMTs are needed, not yelling at each other. (Even if it was entirely accidental, that I can tell I stepped on your foot doesn't mean I know how much it hurts, which is subjective and may connect to past medical history I'm unaware of.)

Comments

[daharyn.livejournal.com]

Thanks. This is a very nice bit of usefully-formulated sanity. Would that others might recognize this. Or, hell, that I myself recognized it as often as I could.

[redbird]

You're welcome.

It's not as though I never need to remember this, either.

[voidampersand.livejournal.com]

I agree, but this is a hard subject. Picking ourselves up and not yelling at each other is not far away from getting over it. Putting an issue in perspective and seeing how other things are more important is not far away from trivializing. That doesn't mean they're the same. Nuances matter. I think you have it right in this case, but it's been sobering to see so many good friends falling out over this. As for myself, I think I saw the very beginnings of the debate, but I stayed out because I have been way too busy with other things. It's probably for the best. If I had waded in, I have no idea which side I would have offended first, but it would have been at least one of them for sure.

[bibliofile.livejournal.com]

Excellent point. Thank you.