Healthy Love Songs

[redbird]

My friend serenejournal has started a blog for pointing to, and maybe discussing, healthy love songs. This was prompted by a discussion of how many popular songs show really unhealthy relationships—ranging from the subtext of trading sex for financial support in "Eight Days a Week""A Hard Day's Night" (thank you, Avram) to the weirdness of people using the blatant stalker song "Every Breath You Take" as a wedding song. I'm also blogging there, as is Rob (who may be on LJ but I don't remember his handle), and I have skimmed the song list in my iTunes library (just because it's handy) and been disconcerted by how few of the songs in there definitely qualify. A lot are about other things, of course—for example, the only love song in Sondheim's Assassins is "Unworthy of Your Love," the duet for Squeaky Fromme and John Hinkley, but that's not primarily a musical about relationships. (Company is, but I'm not convinced there's anything there either, much as I like the show.) But I was still hoping for more, and will be posting some of these, probably only one or two a day, and seeing what else I find. There's a lot I don't remember well enough to be sure of: it may be an afternoon for listening to VNV Nation and/or They Might Be Giants and seeing which lyrics fit. This definitely calls for attention, as a lot of music has disturbing subtext but is far less blatant than "Every Breath You Take."

Obviously, people may disagree on what counts as healthy here; this thread started on alt.polyamory, though quite a bit of what we come up with is more or less explicitly monogamous, which is fine as long as it's "I love you" and not "s/he's mine, keep your hands off" or "I'm watching to make sure you don't look at another man."

ETA: I think I shall spend some time tracking down some of the songs people have pointed to here (though it may take a while). If anyone would rather not be credited elsenet, or wants to be credited under a name other than your LJ handle for songs you've pointed to, please let me know.

Comments

[avram]

the subtext of trading sex for financial support in "Eight Days a Week"

The what?

[redbird]

I think the lyric that someone pointed to was "work all day to get the money/to buy you things."

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Rob is autographedcat.

I am probably gonna spend a lot of time listening to music for the next few days/weeks. :-)

[browngirl.livejournal.com]

Goodness, friendslist crossover!

[avram]

So, nothing by Richard Thompson, is my guess.

[adrian-turtle.livejournal.com]

The closest of anything he *wrote* would probably be "Dimming of the Day." (Which isn't all that close, but it is lovely. The narrative voice is deeply depressed, but doesn't seem to be describing a destructive relationship. Hard to tell, though, because it's so roughly sketched.) Some of the covers on _1000 Years of Popular Music_ sound healthier. I was impressed by his take on "Kiss," (which I thought was orders of magnitude hotter than the Prince arrangement that hit big).

Adding anger and intensity to "Whoops, I did it again," is brilliant, but it doesn't bring the song anywhere near talking about a healthy relationship. It might bring it somewhere near talking about people who seem real enough to have been hurt, real enough to heal later. I'm not sure.

[abostick59.livejournal.com]

What about his crypto-religious songs ("Dimming of the Day," "A Heart Needs a Home," "Night Comes In," etc.?)

[timprov.livejournal.com]

Which goes a long way toward explaining why I dislike him, I think. In fact this seems to be a pretty good rule for my musical taste, which I hadn't enumerated before.

(The Mountain Goats' "No Children" aside, anyway. But that's fabulous because it's such an over-the-top bad relationship song.)

[ewtikins.livejournal.com]

"My Funny Valentine" (Rodgers & Hart; my recording is Ella Fitzgerald singing) springs to mind; not sure if all the lyrics quite fit, but:

Is your figure less than Greek?
Is your mouth a little weak?
When you open it to speak, are you smart?
But don't change a hair for me,
not if you care for me,
stay, little Valentine, stay...

[redbird]

I don't think I can call "When you open it to speak, are you smart?" with the clear meaning that this is a flaw "healthy."

[liv]

I agree, some of the old jazz classics are really sentimentally appealing. But personally, I dislike lyrics with a long list of the beloved's flaws and the claim the singer loves them anyway; it seems more like an insult than a love song! Also, the 'don't ever change' thing is perhaps less bad than the 'I'll kill you if you ever look at anyone else' thing, but it still feels a bit unpleasantly possessive. I think I want someone to love me as I grow and respond to new experiences.

[liv]

What a lovely idea! I will have a look through my music collection. In the meantime, you might enjoy this essay by eye_of_a_cat.

[liv]

Metallica's Nothing else matters has nothing stalkery or misogynist, and is really pretty:

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us, something new
Open mind for a different view
and nothing else matters

So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
No, nothing else matters

[liv]

I've always been fond of Scarlet's Independent love song, partly because it has independent in the title, and partly because it's at least slightly poly-friendly:

You could say this was an independent love song
It's nothing like to us what love meant to them
But that's not to say the love we have isn't big or that strong
I'm doing it a different way

Also features the singer asking for what she wants sexually (I'm gonna show you how to turn me (right on)) and enjoying occasional liaisons with other men while remaining loyal: (And sure I'll like a few / but I'll leave the rest to play)

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Just off the top of my head: there's nothing striking me as creepy about Louis Armstrong singing "A Kiss to Build a Dream On" or "I Get Ideas" or "La Vie en Rose," or about Nat King Cole doing "Orange-Colored Sky" and "Paper Moon."

You know, one of the things I'm noticing about my BNL songs is that I think they're pretty healthy about teen relationships not having to be eternal to be real. Which is not really what you asked for here, but I'm appreciating it anyway.

Buddy Holly, "(You're So Square) Baby I Don't Care" is in some ways a really sweet song: the object of his affection is not the cool/wild girl he might have imagined himself, but he likes her for who she is.

Josh Ritter, "Good Man." "Babe, we've both had dry spells, hard times, and bad lands" -- again, there is no pedestal here, and "there's so much where we ain't been yet" does not get followed with any line about jealousy or nastiness. "Bright Smile."

I don't know. There's a lot of room for interpretation on things like "I'm yours" -- when we sing it around here, we don't assume it means "and never anybody else's," any more than being my mother's daughter makes me not my father's daughter.

[oursin.livejournal.com]

Was it the Crickets without Buddy Holly who did the one about
You never wear a stitch of lace
Powder's never on your face
You're always wearing jeans except on Sunday.
Oh please don't ever change
O don't you ever change
Promise me that you'll always stay
As sweet as you are.
?

[shweta-narayan.livejournal.com]

Oingo Boingo's Not My Slave is an explicit rejection of unhealthy love models. Don't know if that counts, since it seems that one person in the relationship does have unhealthy models...

You're missing the whole point
You're not my little pet
Don't throw away your life
The game's not over yet
I do not want your soul
Don't want you in a cage
I only want your heart
To find that special place...

Beyond that, uh, I'm into indie music most other people haven't heard of, but Brother (http://www.brothermusic.com) has some healthy love-song lyrics. I'm probably going to wander off and listen to them for the rest of the day to find out which ones are even love songs....

[liv]

Similarly Alanis Morissette: I am not the doctor. But that's definitely more along the lines of anti-unhealthy than actually describing a good relationship. Ooh, just as I was typing this my music player came up with All out of tea (April McLean) which is very much along similar lines, but almost more a dumping song than a love song.

[daharyn.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure if XTC's "My Bird Performs" qualifies for you; it definitely does for me, but I suppose the idea of referring to one's lover as a bird might be somehow seen as limiting?

I was going to list a couple of others but realized upon thinking on it that they are healthy songs about sex; not sure that's the same thing. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't.

[roadnotes.livejournal.com]

Wow, this is harder than I thought. I'll start with Laura Nyro's "Melody in the Sky," and I think "Blowing Away" might also qualify. Must think about this.

[a-d-medievalist.livejournal.com]

"Let's call the whole thing off"? "Friendship"? (Is that from Call Me Madam?)

Oh -- there's one on Linda Thompson's Fashionably Late that might work -- "No Telling." It's not so much healthy or not, but it's about a love song as a catalyst for bringing two people together.

Oh -- also Dar Williams "The Christians and the Pagans" is pretty good for lots of healthy love.

[brooksmoses]

Kathy Mattea's "Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Roses" seems healthy to me, though it's all in subtext....

[liv]

Wow, that's an adorable song! I just went to listen to it, and it paints a really touching scene.

[dichroic.livejournal.com]

My all-time favorite for that is "Like Butter Loves Bread", written by Si Kahn. (I learned it from a CD by Mary Zikos.) The lyrics are hard to find online, but I posted them here (http://www.riseagain.net/dichroic/archives/002291.html) long ago. (Pardon the formatting; that entry was imported from Diaryland to Movable Type and weird things happened on the way.)

[dichroic.livejournal.com]

I think Billy Joel's "Just the Way You Are" works, come to think of it.

[frostfox.livejournal.com]

Doesn't fulfil your criteria, but shows that human relationships don't change much, The Barring of the Door-o.

It fell upon the Martinmas time
And a gay time it was then, oh
When our goodwife got puddings to make
And she's boiled them in the pan, oh.

The wind so cold blew south and north
And blew into the floor, oh
Quoth our goodman to our goodwife
Get up and bar the door, oh

My hand is in my hussyfskap
Goodman, as you may see, oh
If it shall never be barred this hundred year
It will ne'er be barred by me, oh

They made the pact betwixt them twa
They made it firm and sure, oh
That the first that ever a word should speak
Should rise and bar the door, oh

Then by there came two gentlemen
At twelve o'clock at night, oh
And they could neither see house nor hall
Nor coal nor candle light, oh

Now whether is this a rich man's house
Or whether it is a poor, oh
But never a word has one of them spoke
For the barring of the door, oh

So first they ate the white puddings
And then they ate the black, oh
Though muckle thought the goodwife to herself
Yet ne'er a word she spoke, oh

Then said the one unto the other
Here man, take ye my knife, oh
Do ye take off the old man's beard
And I'll kiss the goodwife, oh

But there's no water in the house
And what shall we do then, oh
What ails ye at the pudding brew
That boils into the pan, oh

Oh, up then started our goodman
And an angry man was he, oh
"Will ye kiss my wife before my eyes
And scald me with pudding brew, oh"

Then up and started our goodwife
Gave three skips upon the floor, oh
"Goodman ye spoke the foremost word
Ye must rise and bar the door, oh"

FF

[liv]

I've thrown together an e-playlist of the intersection of songs that have been mentioned with songs I can easily find online. If you use any of mine and want to credit me, I'm usually individ-ewe-al off LJ, but I'm not very fussy about that.

[taimatsu]

Enigma's "Gravity of Love" isn't about being *in* a relationship but it deals with finding one and considering what they mean, and I think it does that in a fairly healthy way :)

Also, "The Book of Love" by the Magnetic Fields is rather lovely and appropriate :)

[pthalo]

Fleetwood Mac - Songbird is really nice

also Unspoken Word - How Can?

"My boys says I'm slipping like a jerk because I want to iron your clothes before you go to work"

I also really like Toše Proeski - Skrši me, I think it's healthy. Would have to reread the lyrics.

Skrsi me so usni,
break me with lips
Nokva stopi me vo sebe,
this night melt me in you
Skrsi me so usni,
break me with lips
Se sto sakam si ti.
everything that I want is you
Skrsi me so usni
break me with lips
I ajde nosi me so tebe,
and c'mon carry me with you
Daleku od site pogledi.
far away from all the looks/eyes

it's kind of about a person finding true love after previous bad experiences.

or Toše Proeski - Bože čuvaj ja od zlo (in Macedonian, though the Serbian version is also pretty)

It's a song about loving someone and letting them go because you're not together any more and wanting all the best for her.

http://www.allthelyrics.com/forum/bulgarian-macedonian/30725-tose-proeski-s-songs-lyrics-and-translations-8.html#post369266

Bože angjeli od nebo prati
God, send the angels from the sky
Taa nema da se vrati
She won't come back
Čuvaj ja od zlo
Save her from evil
Taa nema nikoj svoj
She have not anyone (as she's alone in this world)

Then there's Szerekes Adrien - Olyan mint te (in Hungarian), I'll translate that.

Nincs még egy pillantás, mi vérem szítaná,
There isn't any other glance that would make my blood go faster
Nincs még egy érintés, mi hangom fojtaná,
There isn't another touch that would make me lose speech
És úgy ringatna el, hogy könnyű álmot szór,
And it would rock me to sleep, sprinkling easy dreams
Olyan, mint Te, nincs még egy, tudom jól.
another like You, there's no one, I know that well.

Jártam a sziklás hegyeken,
I walked on the high mountains
Jártam a kincset rejtő szigeten,
I walked on the islands that hide treasures
Nincs már hely a földön,
There's no more place on this world
Ami nem lenne börtön,
that would not be a jail to me,
Ha nem vagy ott vagy nem jössz velem.
if you weren't there or didn't come with me

R.
Chorus.

Láttam a kívül gyönyörűt,
i saw beauty on the outside,
Hittem már édesnek a keserűt,
i believed bitterness to be sweet
Úgy, ahogy Téged,
just like you (akkusative)
Soha nem láttam szépnek még senki mást,
I never saw anyone else as beautiful
Régóta tudom...
I know for a long time

R.
chorus.

Hány esélyt adott nekem a sors,
How many chances has fate given me
Nem visz sehová
That don't lead anywhere
Vágyakon és a szavakon túl,
beyond words and desires
Most Benned leltem rá.
i found them in you

Nincs még egy pillantás, mi vérem szítaná,
There's not another glance that would make my blood move faster
Nincs még egy érintés, mi hangom fojtaná,
there's not another touch that would quiet my voice
És úgy ringatna el, ó, nincs ennél nagyobb szó,
and put me to sleep like, oh there's not a word bigger than this
Olyan, mint Te, nincs még egy, tudom jól…
another someone like you, there isn't, i know that well

R.

Olyan, mint Te, nincs még egy, tudom jól,
another like you, there isn't one, i know well
Olyan, mint Te, nincs még egy, tudom jól.
Olyan, mint Te, nincs még egy, tudom jól.

Nincs még egy pillantás…
there isn't another glance...