That's not an apology

[redbird]

I got email from Andrew Porter yesterday. He said he was sorry he had upset cattitude, and if he'd stopped there it might have been all right. No. He said he hadn't had the chance to "explain fully" before Cattitude hung up on him. For values of "explain fully" that consist, not of "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have accused you of being paranoid and tried to pressure you," or even "I'm sorry I upset you," but of "Why did redbird have her gall bladder removed?" I see neither an explanation nor an apology in there.

Then he went on about some old medical problems he'd had; I don't know whether that was somehow supposed to excuse rudeness, or just bid for sympathy. *sigh*

Comments

[wild-irises.livejournal.com]

Neither. It was a ham-handed attempt to establish a human connection between his medical problems and yours. It's a very common thing people do when they're being criticized or shut out. (I'm not trying to excuse him, at all, I just know the phenomenon.)

[kate-schaefer.livejournal.com]

I am so amused that you and I posted nearly simultaneously, saying nearly the same thing. Talk soon?

[wild-irises.livejournal.com]

Sure! I'll call you in the next couple of days.

[redbird]

I suspect you're both right. And if it had come after an actual apology, rather than what read like "how dare cattitude hang up on me while I was asking intrusive questiosn, I really was going to explain myself at some point," it might have worked.

[wild-irises.livejournal.com]

*nods*

I am emphatically not saying that you should have magically seen through the clumsiness to the human impulse and responded warmly.

[cattitude.livejournal.com]

I feel that I should have seen it at the time. Broadly speaking, I don't do snappish. I will make occasional exceptions under pressure; this seems to be one of them.

On the other hand, he was so rude initially that I feel no need at all to go back and make things right.

[kate-schaefer.livejournal.com]

When I go from talking about your problems to talking about my problems, I'm either trying to exchange information, which furthers the growth of our relationship, or trying to express empathy and understanding of your problem through analogy, which furthers the growth of our relationship.

When people who have difficulty with human relations do the same thing, however clumsily, I try to assume they're trying to do the same thing. I don't necessarily want to further the growth of my relationship with them and may not respond the way they want.

Sometimes I'm the person who does that same thing very clumsily, and people don't want to further the growth of their relationship with me.

[athenais.livejournal.com]

I find most people try to establish commonality, clumsily or not, when someone is having difficulty in an area like ill health or feeling shut out or lonely. And it seems there just isn't a good way to say, "I understand. I, too, have had those problems." I don't think I'm a poor communicator, but in this area I may be. I have given up on doing more than listen sympathetically.

[amaebi.livejournal.com]

:/

[redbird]

I'm sorry, I'm not fluent in emoticon. Is that translatable to English? (I gather it's some sort of sympathetic or unhappy face, but not which.)

[amaebi.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry.

That's a wry face of unhappiness. I find interactions such as the one you described fairly miserable.

[roadnotes.livejournal.com]

Well, what he sent me before the apology-like object to me was a reference to TAFF, so I'm not sure how mis mind works any more. Not that I care, either.