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This is from a discussion of how to ask favors, and what things it's appropriate to ask for, and from whom, in![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
ozarque's journal:
It's not just hidden agendas. In a lot of ways, I would rather be the person who lends the money than the person who borrows it, because having lent someone something (be it a sum of money, a book, a cup of sugar, anything tangible enough that it can be returned) doesn't impose an obligation on me. Having borrowed that same something does.
There is someone who borrowed a couple of hundred dollars from me, ages ago, after being burned out of his apartment. For various reasons, we're no longer in touch. That's fine with me. If I had borrowed the money from him, instead, I would have made sure to reestablish contact at least long enough to repay him, if at all possible. (There are enough mutual friends and acquaintances that I expect I could find him, if I needed to.) At this point, if a check turned up in the mail, I'd send him a note thanking him for repaying me, and probably either splurge on a really nice dinner out with my family, or donate it to charity.
In a comment thread oncopperwise's journal, dichroic said "If they didn't care about you but did care about the possessions, they would not have been stored in closets but out in the open." I wrote:
"I think you're right.
"Also, there are specific things from my grandparents that one or more of their descendants (three daughters, five grandchildren) care about, because we associate them with our grandparents or with specific memories. I got the diamond earrings, after complicated negotiations between my mother and her sisters--but I'd far rather have had the pearls, which Grandma wore regularly. I didn't, because when Grandma put together her will, I didn't have pierced ears, so almost all the earrings went to my cousin who did. (The pair I have were somehow omitted from the list, and thus fell under "divide everything not specified evenly between my daughters.") And I think the item that, in another family, would have been most likely to spark huge fights is a pincushion. Handmade, I think stuffed with coffee grounds, and it was always on a table where everyone could see it. My aunt Lea has it now, which is fine.
"Meanwhile, Mom asked a few years ago if I wanted her cut-crystal vases. I told her that what I actually wanted was a tiny red-and-black vase, I think ceramic, that holds about three stems of lily-of-the-valley. The crystal is just crystal, and I had no place for it. The little red vase is lily-of-the-valley and Spring. Mom told me I didn't need to wait 30 years for that, and I see it every time I walk through my front hall. My brother did want the crystal, so he has it."
And this I just posted to alt.polyamory:
The value of "anything worth doing is worth doing well" that I try to remember is, don't mock other people for trying to do something well, even if it's something I do at the bare minimum level. I also try to respect harmless activities that I don't see the point in, because the mere fact that I don't find X hobby or sport interesting doesn't mean that nobody does. That said, if someone complains that thus-and-such hobby is draining and not/no longer fun, I will suggest they take a break from it, whether or not it's one I also take part in.
I wrote this as a comment to somethingcallunav said:
Your parents were playing a sneaky game with "consequences." "If you don't clean your room you can't go out and play" is a punishment. It may or may not be a just one, but it is a punishment. "If you don't clean your room, you won't be able to play with your frisbee, because you won't be able to find it" would be a consequence.
nancylebov noted that she strongly dislikes being hugged from behind, and asked how other people felt about being hugged or massaged from behind, without the person checking first:
There are a very few people who could do that and I wouldn't mind. One of the things they have in common is that I'll know who they are as soon as they touch me, whether or not I see them. They don't count as surprising me, except in the sense that it would be a surprise if you walked into this room now and said "Hi, Vicki" from 10 feet away.
Massage is trickier than hugs, because even if I know you, it's possible that this is a bad time for that, or that the specific part you're massaging is iffy. Then again, I'm particular about massage--done right, it's a very good thing. Done wrong, it can be actively harmful. To be done right, the person doing the massage needs information they won't have if we haven't discussed the matter previously.
This is from a discussion of how to ask favors, and what things it's appropriate to ask for, and from whom, in
ozarque's journal:It's not just hidden agendas. In a lot of ways, I would rather be the person who lends the money than the person who borrows it, because having lent someone something (be it a sum of money, a book, a cup of sugar, anything tangible enough that it can be returned) doesn't impose an obligation on me. Having borrowed that same something does.
There is someone who borrowed a couple of hundred dollars from me, ages ago, after being burned out of his apartment. For various reasons, we're no longer in touch. That's fine with me. If I had borrowed the money from him, instead, I would have made sure to reestablish contact at least long enough to repay him, if at all possible. (There are enough mutual friends and acquaintances that I expect I could find him, if I needed to.) At this point, if a check turned up in the mail, I'd send him a note thanking him for repaying me, and probably either splurge on a really nice dinner out with my family, or donate it to charity.
In a comment thread on
copperwise's journal, dichroic said "If they didn't care about you but did care about the possessions, they would not have been stored in closets but out in the open." I wrote:"I think you're right.
"Also, there are specific things from my grandparents that one or more of their descendants (three daughters, five grandchildren) care about, because we associate them with our grandparents or with specific memories. I got the diamond earrings, after complicated negotiations between my mother and her sisters--but I'd far rather have had the pearls, which Grandma wore regularly. I didn't, because when Grandma put together her will, I didn't have pierced ears, so almost all the earrings went to my cousin who did. (The pair I have were somehow omitted from the list, and thus fell under "divide everything not specified evenly between my daughters.") And I think the item that, in another family, would have been most likely to spark huge fights is a pincushion. Handmade, I think stuffed with coffee grounds, and it was always on a table where everyone could see it. My aunt Lea has it now, which is fine.
"Meanwhile, Mom asked a few years ago if I wanted her cut-crystal vases. I told her that what I actually wanted was a tiny red-and-black vase, I think ceramic, that holds about three stems of lily-of-the-valley. The crystal is just crystal, and I had no place for it. The little red vase is lily-of-the-valley and Spring. Mom told me I didn't need to wait 30 years for that, and I see it every time I walk through my front hall. My brother did want the crystal, so he has it."
And this I just posted to alt.polyamory:
The value of "anything worth doing is worth doing well" that I try to remember is, don't mock other people for trying to do something well, even if it's something I do at the bare minimum level. I also try to respect harmless activities that I don't see the point in, because the mere fact that I don't find X hobby or sport interesting doesn't mean that nobody does. That said, if someone complains that thus-and-such hobby is draining and not/no longer fun, I will suggest they take a break from it, whether or not it's one I also take part in.
I wrote this as a comment to something
callunav said:Your parents were playing a sneaky game with "consequences." "If you don't clean your room you can't go out and play" is a punishment. It may or may not be a just one, but it is a punishment. "If you don't clean your room, you won't be able to play with your frisbee, because you won't be able to find it" would be a consequence.
nancylebov noted that she strongly dislikes being hugged from behind, and asked how other people felt about being hugged or massaged from behind, without the person checking first:There are a very few people who could do that and I wouldn't mind. One of the things they have in common is that I'll know who they are as soon as they touch me, whether or not I see them. They don't count as surprising me, except in the sense that it would be a surprise if you walked into this room now and said "Hi, Vicki" from 10 feet away.
Massage is trickier than hugs, because even if I know you, it's possible that this is a bad time for that, or that the specific part you're massaging is iffy. Then again, I'm particular about massage--done right, it's a very good thing. Done wrong, it can be actively harmful. To be done right, the person doing the massage needs information they won't have if we haven't discussed the matter previously.
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