redbird | Sometimes being out has its price

Tuesday afternoon, a couple of days after not going to my high school reunion, I got email from the one person I most regretted not seeing, Dawn. She gave me the brief summary of what she's up to--family, job, location--and asked about me. I wrote back and gave her a summary, which included "I'm living in upper Manhattan (Inwood) with Andy and our cat (no children), and also have two wonderful long-distance sweeties. No alpha males (or alpha females) in the bunch, just a mostly quiet life that involves sometimes inconvenient amounts of travel. [She described her household as "cat, son, daughter, and alpha male".]"

I haven't heard back from her, and am starting to suspect I'm not going to. I'm disappointed, but if we were going to be back in touch in anything resembling a meaningful way (she'd googled me and found the Wikipedia stuff), this was going to come up, and better now than later. I can have an impersonal relationship--anything from buying a loaf of rye bread to doing freelance editorial work for someone--and not mention my beloveds. I'm not going to try maintaining a friendship, or creating a new one based in part on what we were to each other in high school, if I have to hide something this important. Because I don't have to and being out is not only good for me psychologically, it makes it a little easier for the next person.

Maybe I'm misreading two days' silence. Maybe she's taking a few days to think about it, and I'll hear back from her, with something in the range from "I couldn't do that, but if it works for you, that's cool" to "How does that work?"

[Belatedly friends-locking this because I pointed her at this journal, and if I am misreading her silence, or for that matter if she's thinking "okay, that's weird, but it's Vicki, maybe it's okay," I don't want her to see this right at the top.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Or it could be that she's away from her email. Sometimes that happens. We get caught up in how fast communications can be and read thing in... I hope it's that. It's like I find myself standing impatiently waiting for the microwave!

Good for you, though, being upfront.

I do hope you're right.

I'll add the datapoint that two days, for me, is actually fairly quick turnaround on emails that I don't reply to immediately. And the lack of immediate reply is usually more to do with the fact that I was preoccupied with something else when it arrived, rather than anything about the content of the email.

I try to do better (and reactions like yours are one reason why, so this post is a useful reminder-in-general), but I don't succeed at it especially well.

absolutely true!

If something has scrolled past the top of my screen in my inbox, it's way too easy to forget to respond. This is why the Cult of GTD is so popular among the fan/geek crowd these days: it holds the promise of teaching us to be better people who don't drop things so often.

Which reminds me: after getting my work done today, I should go to "evening services" at the cult of GTD and go back and respond to all those minor, not-a-crisis-but-I-care inbox notes that I've let build up in my life these last two days.

I hope that Dawn is just being poor at juggling time/attention, the way so many of us are.

I think you're right in that you shouldn't have to keep your loves a secret, but I think maybe an email might not have been the best way to do that. The lifestyle isn't the most common one, and to many people who aren't locked down in the diverse world otherwise known as the blogosphere , it's really shocking. Most people I know in real life have never even heard of the word 'poly'.

I say give it time, and perhaps give her a phone call if you can. I think it was likely too much, too soon.

(Sorry for the double post. Am tired. Bad typos.)

It seems appropriate given that she'd emailed telling me about her family. I'm certainly willing to answer questions. (I didn't use the word poly, by the way.)

I don't mean to say I think it was inappropriate. I just think that it's easy to forget when you're around people who are used to various relationship types and lifestyles all the time that the majority of everyday folk are pretty darned shocked at even good old fashioned gay or bi relationships, let alone someone who is bi with multiple partners.

This sort of thing is a HUGE DEAL to someone who hasn't been exposed to it. I guess I'm just saying not to give up on her just yet, even if her reaction is less than what you hoped. A phone call is more personal, and would reassure her that you are indeed the same person.

Good luck with whatever you choose. Friendships are precious things, and it's always nice to rekindle a meaningful one.

Two days isn't long. I mean, there are times when it takes me weeks to get back to people I really want to talk to.

Best of luck.

Absolutely -- I can't keep up with my email any more than I can keep up with anything else.

Hopefully she's just thinking it over and will get back to you. Two days isn't really all that long - as strange as the concept seems to me, some people don't even check their e-mail every day.

I have friends who check their email about once a week, if that often.

It really is too soon to expect that she necessarily has read it. Gosh. If I got an email like that from someone at my high school, I'd be so surprised and delighted! It'll never happen, though. I went to a Catholic high school in the late 60's.

Two days is fast. She may be saving it for the weekend.

That seems likely to me. I answer short quick emails easily, but will often hold off on important ones for several days, until I can gather my thoughts.

Gosh! That reminds me that I haven't replied to an ex-boyfriend's last email, and it has been several weeks now. We got back into contact recently when he emailed me. I meant to reply to the latest email; time just gets away. I'm not mad at him. I just haven't done it yet.

Don't know if that helps.

It does, actually: in between all the "don't fret" messages, someone finding a use for my posting.

Sometimes being out has its price

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Don't panic yet

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